Translation of Liptak Bela/s holiday jokes:

HAPPY and MERRY HOLIDAYS!

< Tell me uncle Kovacs, what do you do when you can/t fall asleep?
< Who me? Well I count to three and then I fall fast asleep.
< Really till three?
< Yes till three, sometimes to half past four!
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Someone is knocking on heaven/s gate.  In front of Saint Peter stands a man
laughing his head off.
My good man, how is it that you are so merry that you are in such a flowery
good mood?
Well it is from the fact that I am already here, while those stupid doctors
down there are still operating......
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A mother-in-law decides to test her three son-in-laws. 
She goes to visit her eldest son-in-law and she jumps into the well.
The son-in-law, without a second thought, jumps right in after her and 
pulls her out.
The next day there is a brand new Skoda (car) in front of his house with 
a note
under the windshield wiper: // With thanks: your mother-in-law. //

Naturally she visits the second son-in-law as well and the same thing 
happens,
except that this one does not jump after her right away but only after some
detailed thought and feeling of guilt.
The reward is not forgotten, and he receives a used car with a note under the
windshield wipers: // With thanks: your mother-in-law.//

The third son-in-law, the youngest, also jumps in to the well after her, 
but he does not pull her out and the mother-in-law dies.
The next day there is brand new sparkling Mercedes parked in front of his 
house.
The note under the windshield wiper says: // With thanks: your 
father-in-law. //
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Letter from Scotland:
Dear friend!
Enclosed please find a picture of my newly born twins.
I am enclosing only one because the other looks the same!
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The little rabbit is walking drunken in the woods from one tree to another.
The fox is coming in his direction.
The little rabbit is thinking on how to address him: My dear in-law?
or perhaps Mr. Fox? No no, I think I am just simply going to puke on him. 
[The lerokazom is a play on words where roka = fox, 
leROKAzom = puke onto someone]
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Suggested compromise:

Uncle John knocks at his neighbors/ door:  // Hey neighbor, would you please
lend me your ax for a while? //
The neighbor does not reply.
// Did you not hear me neighbor? I came over because I need the ax! //
The neighbor finally responds:
// Look uncle John, if I give it to you then you will dull the ax, if not 
then
you will get angry.  Let me suggest a compromise: 
how would you like to go to ........?
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Merry Christmas and Happy New year to all!
Peter Soltesz